Malasha's Evil Basement Talk Show
by QueenTigris
Summary: You know, I only just realized that I am sort of parodying my own fic. Weird. Anyone who read 'Crouching Secrets, Hidden Memories' will know Belle who happens to come into this fic. Weird and random humor, lots of plushies, and also a tuna sandwhich.


A/N: Hi peoples! I was REALLY, REALLY bored and I didn't feel like do any of my other fics. So I just decided to start a talk show! I have wanted to do a talk show for Arty and the Fowl Crew for a long time now. And now I have finally gotten around to it! Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the stuff Eoin came up with. But Malasha and Belle are MINE!!!! And so is the basement. Oh yeah, I don't own pink pony plushies or Legolas. I don't own Peter Pan either.  
  
MALASHA'S EVIL BASEMENT TALK SHOW  
  
Chapter 1: Lights, Camera, Action!  
  
*Artemis, Holly, Butler, Root, Foaly, Mulch, and Chix fall out of a hole in the ceiling*  
  
Artemis: Ow!  
  
Holly: Hey! Mud Boy! Get off of me!!! *pushes Artemis off of her*  
  
Artemis: *pushes back* You didn't say please!  
  
Holly: *sticks out tongue at Artemis*  
  
Root: Can't... breathe...  
  
Foaly: *looks down* Oops. Sorry Julius.  
  
Root: Don't... call... me... Julius... ponyboy!  
  
Foaly: I'm not a pony! I won't get off you if you call me that, JULIUS!  
  
Root: *turning blue*  
  
Butler: Foaly, get off him.  
  
Foaly: Why should I?  
  
Mulch: *laughs hysterically* Hey, look! Julius is turning purple with green polka dots!  
  
Root: *actually turning purple with green polka dots*  
  
Chix: I didn't know the Commander could turn THAT color... cool.  
  
Artemis: He's the Green-spotted Purple People Eater!  
  
All except Artemis: *turn towards Artemis with skeptical looks*  
  
Artemis: What???  
  
All except Artemis and Root who can't breathe: *laugh hysterically*  
  
Root: You... are... squishing... me...  
  
Chix: [stupidly] The Commander is all squisheded! (A/N: That is not a typo that is how he pronounced it)  
  
Butler: I suggest you get off him, Foaly.  
  
Foaly: And what are you going to do about?  
  
Butler: *bodily picks up Foaly and puts him down away from the Commander*  
  
Foaly: Oh yeah... I forgot you could do that...  
  
Root: I'm going to dock your pay for a couple of decades just for that ponyboy!  
  
Foaly: I'm not a ponyboy! *hundreds of pink pony plushies fall on Foaly*  
  
Voice: Yes you are!  
  
Artemis: Who's there?  
  
Holly: *picks up a pony plushie off of the pile where Foaly used to be* Aww... Look how cute these are! Where did they come from?  
  
Voice: From the Pink Pony Plushie factory!  
  
Chix: Those plushies aren't as cute as you are, babe. *tries to put arm around Holly* *Artemis falls on him*  
  
Artemis: What the...? Wasn't I standing over there just a minute ago?  
  
Voice: Yes.  
  
Artemis: Then why am I over here now? I don't remember moving...  
  
Chix: Ooowww...  
  
Voice: Because I wanted to put you over there.  
  
Artemis: How did you do that?  
  
Voice: I can do things...  
  
Artemis: Oh really? Can you drop a piano on Butler?  
  
Butler: *piano drops on Butler*  
  
Voice: Yes.  
  
Artemis: Sweet!  
  
Holly: Can I have a purple bunny plushie? George is lonely. *holds up pink pony plushie*  
  
Root: George?  
  
Artemis: You named a pink pony plushie GEORGE????  
  
Holly: Yes. Isn't he cute??? *holds plushie in Artemis's face* You can have one too! *Gives Artemis a pink pony plushie*  
  
Artemis: Why... thank-you...  
  
Chix: Owie... *starts to get up*  
  
Artemis: *throws plushie at Chix's head*  
  
Chix: Oomph *knocked out cold*  
  
Artemis: *whistles*  
  
Holly: So where is the purple bunny plushie I asked for?  
  
Voice: I don't want to give you a purple bunny plushie.  
  
Holly: *pouts* Why not???  
  
Voice: Because I want to give you an Artemis Fowl plushie.  
  
Artemis: *blinks* I'm a plushie...? *hundreds of misshapen Artemis plushies fall on Artemis*  
  
Holly: *picks up plushie* Yay! Now George has a friend!  
  
Root: *picks up plushie* Now that is just freaky.  
  
Butler: *crawling out from under piano* Oww... *looks around and blinks* Where did Artemis go?  
  
Holly & Root: *point at pile of Artemis plushies*  
  
Butler: *picks up plushie* NOOO!!!!! *gets down on knees and starts to cry* Artemis! I wasn't there to save you!!! I'm so sorry! *Hugs Artemis plushie till stuffing comes out*  
  
Voice: Geez, put a sock in it already!  
  
Butler: *mouth stuffed with sock*  
  
Chix: *waking up* owie... *looks at his feet* Hey, does anyone know where my sock went? *looks at Butler, noticing his sock*  
  
Holly: Ewww!!!!!  
  
Root: That is just plain disgusting.  
  
Chix: *grabs sock from Butler's mouth* You are sick, man!  
  
Butler: *starts to cry again* I'm so sorry Artemis!!!! I should have been there for you!  
  
Voice: All I did was bury him under a pile of plushies, geez!  
  
Butler: *stops crying and blinks* He's UNDER the plushies?  
  
Voice: Duh.  
  
Butler: Ohhh... I thought he had been turned into a plushie...  
  
Holly: *smacks forehead*  
  
Root: Idiot.  
  
Chix: I wish.  
  
Voice: Actually, that is a pretty good idea! Maybe you are on to something Butler!  
  
Butler: *starts digging through plushies in search of Artemis*  
  
Foaly: *emerges from plushie pile* I'm free! Free! I thought I'd never get out!  
  
Holly: *holding up Artemis plushie* What do you think I should name him?  
  
Foaly: I don't know- Wait, I got it! Name it Wonder Man!  
  
Root: Wonder Man? Why in the name of Frond should it be Wonder Man???  
  
Foaly: Because, it is an Artemis plushie! Don't you get it? Artemis is the name of the Greek huntress and moon goddess, and her Roman counter part is Diana! And Wonder Woman, the super- rope-of-truth-throwing-heroine those Mud Men came up with for those comic book things is based on Diana! Sooo, since it is obviously male and it wouldn't be right to call it Wonder Woman, call it Wonder Man!  
  
Holly: *blinks*  
  
Root: Artemis was named after a girl?!?!?!  
  
Chix: *blinks* I don't get it.  
  
Foaly: Well, Holly? What do you think?  
  
Holly: *looks at plushie* George's new friend is Wonder Man!  
  
Foaly: Who is George?  
  
Holly: This is George silly! *holds pony plushie in Foaly's face*  
  
Foaly: You named it George?  
  
Holly: Of course I did! Doesn't the name fit him so well?  
  
Foaly: *raises eyebrows* Of course.  
  
Butler: *frantically digging through plushie pile* Artemis! Don't worry, I'll find you soon!  
  
Foaly: What is he doing?  
  
Root: Looking for Artemis, he is buried somewhere under all those plushies.  
  
Holly: Whee! *playing with plushie dolls*  
  
Chix: I'm hungry.  
  
Voice: May I take your order?  
  
Chix: Can you make me a sandwich?  
  
Voice: Your wish is my command!  
  
Chix: *turns into tuna sandwich*  
  
Holly: Eww. I hate tuna!  
  
Voice: Arty doesn't! Oh, Arty-ee! Come out, come out where ever you are!  
  
Artemis: I'm stuck under here...  
  
Butler: I found you! *pulls Artemis out of pile and hugs him* I was so worried about you!  
  
Artemis: Let me go! *spots sandwich* Oooh, tuna, yummy.  
  
Holly: You aren't going to eat Chix are you?  
  
Artemis: *picking up sandwich* Eat Chix? What do you take me for, a cannibal?  
  
Foaly: If you eat that sandwich you will be a cannibal!  
  
Artemis: What do you mean? It's just tuna!  
  
Root: No, it's Chix. That Voice person turned him into a sandwich.  
  
Artemis: Oh, so... Eww! *throws sandwich across the room*  
  
Voice: *evil laughter*  
  
Foaly: Who are you anyway?  
  
Voice: Are you talking to me?  
  
Foaly: Yes, WHO ARE YOU????  
  
Voice: You really want to know?  
  
Holly: Yeah, who are you?  
  
Root: Are you the one who brought us here?  
  
Butler: Where did Mulch go?  
  
Artemis: Can I have a tuna sandwich?  
  
Voice: Stop it! I can only answer so many questions at once!  
  
Artemis: How about some caviar then? *bowl of caviar is dumped on his head*  
  
Butler: Where did Mulch go?  
  
Holly: Yeah, where did he go?  
  
Root: I didn't even notice he had left! Arrrgh!! We'll have to track him down all over again!  
  
Foaly: The little rascal!  
  
Voice: For your information, I was the one who took him away.  
  
Butler: Where is he now?  
  
Foaly: What did you do to him?  
  
Voice: See for yourselves. [room lights up, revealing a room with wood flooring and walls lined with pictures of Artemis Fowl and the Crew and Orlando Bloom (Legolas) and other things like kittens and tigers. In the far corner a brown-haired girl is sitting on top of a giant Mulch beanbag, thousands of plushies of all types are strewn across the floor]  
  
Artemis: Whoa, look at all the pictures of me!  
  
Holly: Hey, look my own plushie!  
  
Root: You turned Mulch into a beanbag???  
  
Girl: Yep.  
  
Butler: Who are you and what do you want?  
  
Girl: *evil grin* I am Malasha Sampson! Welcome to my Evil Basement Talk Show!  
  
Root: Talk show?  
  
Foaly: Guys, we are being recorded.  
  
Artemis: Uh oh. I don't like cameras... *shrinks away*  
  
Malasha: Aww... do the big scary cameras scare poor little Arty?  
  
Artemis: Don't call me that!  
  
Malasha: I'll call you whatever I want! In fact from now on I'm going to call you Green Squirrel!  
  
Green Squirrel: Hey! I don't want to be called Green Squirrel!  
  
Malasha: Well that is just too bad. Because I want to call you Green Squirrel!  
  
Green Squirrel: You can't just change my name!  
  
Malasha: Oh yes I can.  
  
Green Squirrel: No you can't!  
  
Malasha: Yes I can! Just look at that little name in front of everything you say!  
  
Green Squirrel: *looks* Shoot! How did you do that?  
  
Malasha: I can do things.  
  
Butler: You have told us that a million times already! How do you do those things?!?!?  
  
Malasha: I can do them because I am the Queen!  
  
Foaly: The queen of what?  
  
Malasha: Uhh... I'm the Queen of... uhh... Donashre!  
  
Green Squirrel: Strange... I've never heard of Donashre...  
  
Root: Where is that?  
  
Holly: Does Donashre even exist?  
  
Butler: I think you are just making things up.  
  
Foaly: Donashre doesn't exist!  
  
Malasha: Yes it does! In fact, you are in Donashre right now!  
  
Foaly: Oh really?  
  
Malasha: Are you questioning the Queen? How dare you! You shall pay!  
  
Foaly: Oooh, I'm so scared that my hooves are shaking! What are you going to do to me? Turn me into a sandwich or a beanie bag?  
  
Malasha: Close guess.  
  
Foaly: *turns into a horsefly* [squeaky voice] Hey! I'm a horsefly! That is a cruel and unusual punishment!  
  
Malasha: In Donashre the Queen can do whatever she wants!  
  
Green Squirrel: Are those cameras over there on? *points at cameras across the room*  
  
Malasha: Yes. Don't you see the little red light?  
  
Green Squirrel: Could you do me a favor?  
  
Malasha: Matters what this favor is...  
  
Green Squirrel: Could you turn Julius into a beetroot? And then could I have the tape afterward to blackmail him with?  
  
Root: Hey!  
  
Malasha: *evil grin* Why of course. Why didn't I think of that?  
  
Root: *turns into a beetroot*  
  
Malasha: You know what, I liked your idea so much that I think I'll change your name back.  
  
Green Squirrel: Really?  
  
Malasha: No.  
  
Green Squirrel: *slumps*  
  
Voice: Don't feel bad Arty! I'm here!  
  
Malasha: Oh no...  
  
Green Squirrel: Who was that?  
  
Malasha: Oh no... Not her, please, not now...  
  
Butler: I hope it isn't another person like Katherine.  
  
Holly: Does anybody know what I should name this plushie?  
  
Voice: I'm here! *blonde girl comes out of nowhere*  
  
Green Squirrel: Belle?  
  
Blonde Girl: Yep! That's me!  
  
Holly: You know her?  
  
Green Squirrel: Er... she's my girlfriend...  
  
Butler: She follows Artemis everywhere, even to odd places like this.  
  
Belle: I do not follow him!  
  
Holly: Artemis has a girlfriend?  
  
Malasha: Yeah, and she just happens to be my sister...  
  
Green Squirrel: I didn't know Belle had a sister.  
  
Belle: That is because you never asked!  
  
Foaly: *still a horsefly* Hey, could someone please change me back?  
  
Belle: *gasp* Malasha! Look what you did! You turned Foaly into a horsefly, Commander Root into a beetroot, Chix into a tuna sandwich, and Mulch into a beanie bag! You even changed Arty's name to Green Squirrel!  
  
Malasha: So, I'm the Queen of Donashre, I'm allowed to do those things!  
  
Belle: But you aren't the queen of Donashre! Donashre doesn't exist!  
  
Malasha: So? It's not like they *points at everybody* know that.  
  
Belle: Oh! How could you! I think you are just jealous of me and Arty!  
  
Malasha: I am not!  
  
Belle: Are too!  
  
Malasha: Am not!  
  
Belle: Are too!  
  
Malasha: Am not!  
  
Belle: Are too!  
  
Malasha: Am not!  
  
Belle: Are too!  
  
Malasha: Am not!  
  
Belle: Are too!  
  
Malasha: Am not!  
  
Belle: Are not!  
  
Malasha: Am too!  
  
Belle: Ha!  
  
Malasha: Phooey.  
  
Green Squirrel: Could someone PLEASE change my name back?  
  
Belle: Oh, Arty. I'm sorry, I forgot!  
  
Artemis: Thank you.  
  
Holly: What about everyone else?  
  
Foaly: Yeah, what about me?  
  
Belle: Now Malasha, you change everybody back!  
  
Malasha: Why should I?  
  
Belle: Because I can tell Arty to sick Butler on you!  
  
Malasha: Oooh, I'm, like, so scared!  
  
Belle: Arty?  
  
Artemis: Butler?  
  
Butler: It would be my pleasure. *cracks knuckles*  
  
Malasha: Oh no, you don't!  
  
Butler: *piano falls on Butler for the second time* Oww...  
  
Belle: I forgot she could do that...  
  
Holly: Oh dear.  
  
Artemis: I wish I could do that whenever I wanted.  
  
Belle: Malasha! Just turn everyone back and get that piano off Butler!  
  
Malasha: No!  
  
Belle: *puts hands on hips* Don't make me angry Malasha... *death glare*  
  
Artemis: Uh oh. Everybody hide! *dives into nearby pile of green squirrel plushies*  
  
Holly: What's with him?  
  
Malasha: He has the right idea... you should never, ever mess with Belle when she gets mad... *looks at watch* well, *laughs nervously* would you look at the time! Guess my talk show is just about over. Time to change everyone back!  
  
Root: *changes back to Root* Hey! I'm not a beetroot anymore!  
  
Foaly: *changes back to Foaly* I'm not a horsefly!  
  
Chix: *changes back to Chix* *sniffs himself* eww... I smell like tuna.  
  
Mulch: *changes back to Mulch* Eeek!! I was a beanie bag being sat on by a Mud Girl! The horror... the horror!!!!  
  
Butler: *piano disappears* Oww... it still hurts... *spits out a white key*  
  
Malasha: Gotta go! Bye, bye! *disappears*  
  
Artemis: *peeps out of green squirrel plushie pile* She's gone?  
  
Belle: *smiles satisfactorily* Yep, she's all gone! *helps Artemis out of plushie pile*  
  
Artemis: *being squeezed in a bear hug from Belle* How do we get out of here?  
  
Holly: Can I keep the plushies?  
  
Chix: Does anyone have something I could cover up this smell of tuna with?  
  
Mulch: Run around till you sweat so much that the smell of sweat covers up the smell of tuna.  
  
Chix: But then I'll smell like sweat!  
  
Mulch: But you won't smell like tuna anymore.  
  
Chix: Good point. *starts running around the room*  
  
Root: The cameras are still on.  
  
Belle: Really? There is something I've wanted to get on tape for a long time now...  
  
Artemis: What is that?  
  
Belle: You'll see. *kisses Artemis*  
  
Chix: *stops running* Why is the Mud Boy kissing the Mud Girl? Does this mean that Holly isn't actually in love with Artemis?  
  
Holly: I never loved him in the first place!  
  
Foaly: You at least have a crush on him, Holly.  
  
Holly: I do not!  
  
Foaly: Then why do you want to keep his plushie?  
  
Holly: *holds Artemis plushie to chest* Because I named it already! And I can't leave it here where that evil Malasha girl could get it!  
  
Root: But it is just like all the other plushies. Do you want the other Artemis plushies too?  
  
Holly: *gasp* I almost forgot about those! *starts picking up as many Artemis plushies as she can*  
  
Belle: Hey! I want some too! *starts taking Artemis plushies*  
  
Artemis: *staggers as Belle lets go* Oh great, now she has that on tape.  
  
Butler: I hope she won't blackmail you with it.  
  
Artemis: She wouldn't do that!  
  
Belle: Yes I would!  
  
Artemis: Oh phooey.  
  
Holly: Hey! That one is mine!  
  
Belle: No! It's mine!  
  
Holly: I saw it first!  
  
Belle: No I did!  
  
Holly: Give it to me!  
  
Belle: Why should I? It's mine!  
  
Holly: No it's not!  
  
Belle: Yes it is!  
  
Holly: No it's not!  
  
Belle: Yes it is!  
  
Artemis: Oh great, now I have two women fighting over a plushie with my face on it.  
  
Chix: *holds up his own plushie* Hey Holly! Look here, a plushie of me! It's way better than Artemis's!  
  
Holly: *ignoring him and tugging on one of the Artemis plushie arms*  
  
Belle: *tugging on other arm*  
  
Mulch: That thing is going to break any second now...  
  
Butler: Five... four... three... two... one... *plushie doesn't break* Oops, I think I started to early. Five... four... three... two... one... *plushie still doesn't break* That thing is stronger than it looks.  
  
Root: It will break... now. *plushie pulls apart*  
  
Butler: Hey, how come it worked for you but not me?  
  
Root: Because I'm better than you!  
  
Butler: No you aren't!  
  
Root: Yes I am!  
  
Artemis: *looks at massacred plushie* I hope that is not what will happen in real life.  
  
Belle & Holly: The plushie is broken! We killed the plushie! *start to cry*  
  
Chix: Don't worry, Holly baby, I've got a better plushie right here! See? It's me!  
  
Mulch: Chix, just give it up.  
  
Root: I don't think he ever will.  
  
Artemis: can we just get out of here?  
  
Butler: Which way is out?  
  
Belle: You have to think happy thoughts!  
  
Holly: Happy thoughts?  
  
Belle: Yeah! You think of something that makes you happy and then you go home!  
  
Artemis: Like in Peter Pan when they think happy thoughts they fly?  
  
All except Artemis: *turn toward Artemis with skeptical looks*  
  
Artemis: What????  
  
Belle: You have watched that movie?  
  
Artemis: Well I remember it from when I was little...  
  
Holly: Somehow I can't imagine you having a childhood Artemis, and it makes my stomach feel queasy to think that it is even possible.  
  
Root: Mud Men come up with the sappiest of ideas...  
  
Belle: Okay, everyone. Think happy thoughts!  
  
Mulch: I'll go first! Let's see... I'm thinking of gold, escaping from Root... POOF!!! *Mulch disappears*  
  
Chix: I want to try! I want to try! I'm thinking of... Holly! Me and Holly together! POOF!!!! *Chix disappears*  
  
Holly: Eww...  
  
Foaly: Did he HAVE to say what he was thinking of?  
  
Root: That is disgusting.  
  
Belle: Commander Root! You go next!  
  
Root: Uhh... I'm thinking of... torturing Cudgeon... ooh... that feels good... hehe... POOF!!!!! *Root disappears*  
  
Foaly: Me next! Me next! I'm thinking of my beautiful computer! POOF!!! *Foaly disappears*  
  
Belle: Now you Holly!  
  
Holly: Uh... I'm thinking of... sleeping. POOF!!!! *Holly disappears*  
  
Artemis: She likes sleeping that much?  
  
Belle: *shrugs* Now you Butler!  
  
Butler: Uh... uhh.... I don't think it would be appropriate to say...  
  
Belle: You have to say it!  
  
Butler: Okay! I love my Sig Sauer... POOF!!!! *Butler disappears*  
  
Belle: Yay! Now we are alone together Arty!  
  
Artemis: Uh oh... I don't know what to think about...  
  
Belle: You don't have to. *mischievous grin* I don't want you to leave.  
  
Artemis: *backs away* Uh oh...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: Muahahahahahaha!!!! Artemis is trapped with his girlfriend! If anybody noticed, Belle is just like the character from "Crouching Secrets, Hidden Memories". The story should be updated soon. Don't forget to review! 


End file.
